Malaysia

¡°You are just not man enough for me. You are not a man at all¡­¡±, so says Jay, my last girlfriend.

Back to home town

Going back to my hometown was probably the best thing to do. The previous 3 years of my life passed by so quickly, and being back in a quiet town like Ipoh is really a sobering experience. My life had become quiet all of a sudden. I got into a few jobs here and there, in a way my profile as a boy was rising with dinner appointments. Getting into male attires was terrible; in time I got used to it.

The un-transitioning was uncomfortable. I had to get used to not wearing a bra, which made me feel naked on my chest; let alone by not having firm breasts anymore, it is like losing a part of your body. I feel my body going through a series of changes. I was recommended by friends to enroll into a gymnasium, and there I decided to partake on male hormones and other drugs to pump up my body. The changes were slow but obvious. By the first year, I was appearing more and more like a man.

I called myself Joe. Developing male eating patterns caused an addiction to mutton curry rice. I eat it almost everyday and in large amounts plus added rice. At age 24, my weight skyrocketed to a max 100 kg. There, I said. No one can push me around and treat me like a slut anymore. I made some pals with boys, but I was still girlish and at times it was a turn off for them. I got into a few relationships with girls but I could not be their ideal boy. At least I built meaningful friendships along the way.

Making love in my office with my first steady girl was an exciting curiosity affair. Then sex life died down on me. My relationships with girls became more and more like lesbians in love, and they, being straight, felt uncomfortable. I was overprotective of them when it comes to other men they talk too. I still hated my penis. And I have to live with an unrecognizable mask I put on everyday of my life.

I realized I am attracted to tomboys. And I desire to be loved and to be made love to by one. Even in marriage. The girls I have chosen for courtships themselves have strong butch trades, though they are identically female. I tried to suppress it in many crazy ways but I cannot. It then caused many sad breakups. I need to be the one submissive. Then in my last relationship, I met a girl called Jay.

Now Jay was a girl going through divorce proceedings with her husband. We met when we worked together in a college set-up. When we started our relationship, I told her what I would tell all my girlfriends; that I used to be a transsexual female. While my previous girlfriends ignore what I said or treat it as a joke, she took it seriously. She asked me in regards to my past. At first I am reluctant to tell, but slowly as our courtship got warmer I told her almost everything, in return she told me about her past too. There hence was the connection, especially on the land of Mines Resort City.

I told her everything she needs to know but I knew there were fragments of her life she keeps hidden. And I notice the contradictions; she hates men but was married twice to them. She also related to me her relationships with girls. As our relationship grew she became more and more of a he then a she to me. And in the end, she was the aggressor of our relationship in a big way. She became a girlfriend, and a boyfriend to me. I was beginning to love this girl with my life and would do anything for her.

We then decided to head down together to KL again to build our careers. We stayed at Bandar Sunway and on my side it is the beginning of the most beautiful restart to my life. We went everywhere together, to the bright lights of the city again and nights in Bangsar. Out favorite hangout was an Iranian restaurant there. We even went to Mines City to rekindle our previous memories. We painted everywhere red with love. It was exhilarating moments all the way. I have found the one for my living. Love was on the cards and the smell of love in my life was sweet indeed.